You know I had this thing in my head that once 2009 had gone, once it was done I'd feel like me again...normal, whatever normal means especially when it comes to me lol!!
But I did! 2009 was the hardest year I have ever experienced in my life and not one I'd want to experience again anytime soon and the ramifications can still be felt very deeply and I've come to realise they will forever!! Sure my life will go on, it has, but I don't think I'll ever be ME again. Whoever that girl was she is gone!! So 2010 hasnt quite lived up to my expectations as unrealistic as they were!
So where does that leave me???...still broken, scared and now not even knowing who I am??!!
I know who I WANT to be and just maybe I'm starting to feel brave enough to be her...I was tired of the people pleasing person I was anyhow, the amount of times I didn't do something I wanted because it might make someone else upset or they may think less of me are endless, and what did I get from that?? well I'll tell ya...sweet FA!!
2010 is time for me to reinvent myself, finally be the girl I want to be not the girl others want or expect me to be!
I will learn to say NO to the things I don't want and YES to the things I do. And I don't care who likes it and who doesn't.
THIS IS MY LIFE!!
I didn't ask for this horrid thing to happen but it did and now its my job to make the most of it. I have to look forward and get excited about the new adventures I will have in life and love! Yep you read right I said love!! I don't and never did (even in my darkest days) plan on becoming a nun or spending the rest if my life alone as the grieving widow...there will always be a part of my heart that grieves Mark, the man I lost, the love I lost but I wont let grief take my whole heart I just wont and for the people who dont get that...well, TOO BAD!! If you cant understand my need to move forward and find myself, love and happiness then lets just say our journey as a part of each others lives may be over!!
From here on out I will only keep positive, supportive people in my life I've been through enough crap to last a lifetime, and that lifetime is over!! I don't have time for it anymore!!!!!
You write soooo beautifully Kirsty. So powerful and assertive. Fantastic to see. Who knew that cute, quiet girl would turn out to be such a strong, gorgeous, self aware woman?? You are an inspiration to anybody going through terrible stages in their lives, no matter what their situation is. Just amazing! XX
Posted by: Toni Outten | 01/19/2010 at 01:32 PM
Bravo Kirsty..... With love, Jo x
Posted by: Jo | 01/20/2010 at 02:08 AM
You go girl!! Great to see the fiesty streak in you...be happy you deserve it!
Vicki x
Posted by: Vicki | 01/20/2010 at 12:50 PM
Stopped by to have another read. Was nice reading the latest chapter. Im sure you'll get to the place you want to be if you want it bad enough. Good luck with all your 2010 decisions, I wish you all the very best. Im so glad we met xxooxx
Posted by: Charmaine Finlay | 01/22/2010 at 04:47 AM