The Day My Life's Journey Hit a Major Road Block (warning:long post !)

It started three months ago today. February 23^rd 2009. The year I turn 34.  

My death that is, my slow painful death. “Things will get better”, “You are such a strong person.” If even just one more person says these trite things to me I think I’ll kill them rather than myself. I don’t say anything however, or kill them of course, I know they mean well.

 

Three months ago exactly I was a wife, a mother, an Education Assistant, and a Uni student and in most respects would have been described as a happy person. But today I sit before this computer a broken, lost and scared little girl who can not even begin to imagine a way to dig her way out of this black hole she now calls life, well others keep referring to it that way anyhow.  Nor for that matter does she know if she even wants to try.

 

Life.

 

A humorous word to me now. One of the dictionary definitions I find most oxymoronic (Yes it is a word I looked that up too.) is;

A STATE OF

LIVING

1 a: the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body.

 

Humorous? I hear you ask. What could possibly be humorous about the definition of life? Well then my response to you would be; congratulations you are a healthy ‘normal’ being. But you see for me this very definition would imply that I/me/Kirsty be referred to as a vital and functioning being. Yeah, well you had the capacity to write this, I hear you say.

But why? I ask. Why would life refer to me as ‘vital’ and ‘functioning’? Simply because I am breathing? Surely nothing more. Because ‘vital’ and ‘functioning’ wouldn’t even begin to describe what I now see in the mirror. These two words are as foreign to my description as they are to my being. What if my spirit is dead? My will to live is dead? My soul is dead? What then? Am I still considered living? Again why? Simply because I am breathing? And anyway if I had it my way breathing is one thing I wouldn’t be doing. So I feel the very definition of life does not take into account anything more than breath or the lack of it.

 

Suicidal ideations are never far from my conscious thoughts nor my dreams for that matter. I am a coward. I know it. I’m not ashamed to admit it, it has after all kept me here in this living hell. But you see, I want it to be painless, quick. I dont want to muck it up, to have my attempt fail.  My suicide, my death I mean. I don’t want anymore pain. I could not stand to feel even the smallest amount, that’s even having faith I could possibly possess the capacity to feel anymore. In fact that’s the thing I’m really trying to kill off I guess. Not myself as a whole as such but the pain part, the depressive part, the part that is allowing all this pain to slowly consume me, to suck the life and soul out of me once and for all. I want the pain to die. I don’t necessarily want to die; I just don’t want to go on living. At least not like this.

 

Where to start? When did it all start? I could start back when I felt the first sting of jealousy. Or the rejection of my first ‘real’ boyfriend constantly finding somebody ‘better’ as he put it time after time. Or the knowledge that the next guy I liked was just adding me to his ‘collection’ of ‘lovely girls’. Or that the man I married was not who I thought and saw me as nothing more than a punching bag, for all his emotional, mental and physical demons. Or maybe I should just start with my second marriage. My marriage to Mark my soul mate. Never did I think I would ever experience or deserve such a gorgeous man to show much a pure love. But it wasn’t to last, my past, or lack of letting it go would make sure of that.

 

I blame myself. It’s hard not too. I let everyone down, most of all Mark. I have said a thousand times I am glad to have had the six years we had than to not have had him in my life at all. But truth be told six years was no where near enough. I want more. I was not ready for this to be the end. I’m still not. I love Mark, and these events have now set in motion  a never-ending (so it seems) quest to understand why? Why he would leave me this way. Why he would want to inflict this much unbearable and soul destroying pain, leave this much devastation in his wake. But then how do I explain my desire to do the exact same thing? Not necessarily (although inevitable) the devastation or the pain but simply to be free of my pain, free of this world and all it’s expectations and demands. To take my life.

 

“You need to think of the children now; they will be your strength to go on.”  Oh if I hear that one last time, I think I’ll explode in a fit of blood boiling rage and self combust. Now you ‘normal’ people will have read that last quote and thought how very selfish, the children need their mother they have just lost their father, and yes by all factual accounts this is true but…

What if their mother has lost the will to go on? To see any point to life? Lost the capacity to love like she once did? What then? Does she play pretend until hopefully those old maternal feelings find their way back to the surface?

Do they really need a mother like that? What if that mother can never claw her way from the deep black pit in which she now resides?

 

Questions, questions forever swimming in my head with no plausible answers, well none enough to satisfy me at any rate. Am I going insane? Is this just what its like to go through the grief process? Am I now depressed? Yes that was the disease, the disease of loneliness that led to all this confusion, unanswered questions and pain, the unbearable agony of all those left supposedly living behind.

 

I’m sure, in fact I know for certain I am not the first person or even the only person to be going through the pain as a ‘survivor of suicide’, no this doesn’t mean I’ve tried it (well yet anyway, and hopefully not ever, remember the coward thing?) it just means in the very simplest of terms that  I have 'survived' the loss of a loved one to suicide.

So where to from here...more on that next time

Comments

[Sonya Frisby]

After all the conversation you and I have share its only just now I can truly understand the pain your going thru.
I only wish that if life is so easily taken, why can't the pain and heartache of losing a love one, be taken just as quick..

You are truly a beautiful person and only wish that things could be different in you life ..

Always and forever
your friend
Sonya xxx

[Suzitee]

I have no idea what to write Kirsty...I'm sure you've heard it all before and none of it makes you feel any better. Just know that I think of you often, and I sincerely hope that you find some answers, and some peace.

[Alana]

Kirsty you write so beautifully, so poetically, if only it was about a different topic, the 'happily ever after' one that you dreamt of. Even as I read it, I'm still in a daze unable to completely believe all that has unfolded over the last three months. My prayers are with you every day, I don't know what more I can say or do, so I'll just pray for now. Lots of love to you honey -xx-

[Vicki Cowan]

Dear Kirsty...please know that there are lots of people out there that think of you often and wish for life to turn around for you. You are a beautiful person from the inside out and deserve to be happy again. May you find peace again soon.
Lots of love...Vicki xx

[Raylene Ewings]

"Forgive"

[Jo Kay]

Kirsty......

Dream as far as you can see:
and when you get there,
you can see further.
(Zig Ziglar)

Our love and thoughts are always with you.

Jo x

[Andrea Amu]

Kirsty! Honey, I think of you and continue to pray for you so much. You are going through HELL, I know, and I only wish there was a way to make that hell vanish for you.

Continue to write about your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Let them flow... it will help you to understand more than you know, and in return, others will understand as well!

I am here for you!

[Tammy Templeton]

Kirsty I too am a 'survivor of suicide'.
I understand your pain.
{{{{hugs}}}}
xxTam

[Charmaine Finlay]

Kirsty, I never knew what this link was. Reading, I almost closed it so many times. Your gifted in so many ways. Its overwhelming how you can touch people with your words and your art. Dont stop.

"Its better to rise than fade away"

Im sure your angel will forever be in your shadow.

Charmaine xo