your life is going in the wrong direction??? But you keep following the same path anyway? Because its what you should do, or you might let someone down, or its not the 'done' thing, or it goes against common believe. Do major things happen to change the course because we don't listen to the hints, the whispers along the way? Those internal voices that say "No not this way" "Don't take that job just for the money" "Don't neglect the present because you are too focused on the future, on where you are heading, you will miss the here and now the things right in front of you, what you have right now. What if you knew it all wouldn't be there tomorrow. Would you listen ? Would you hear them just a little louder? Would you take more notice?
I quite often get these 'feelings' somethings not right, it just doesn't feel good, I get anxious and nervous and feel unfulfilled, like my soul, my hearts desire is being pushed down not to be heard. But for a 'big picture' person like my self I want to know...well, everything. I want to know the plan, where I'm going, what I should be doing, how I'll get there, when I'll get there...on and on I could go! So you can only imagine how I feel right now with my 'big picture' being taken away so unexpectantly and so painfully.
I am quite simply lost. Lost and very broken.
I feel like the whole going to uni teaching thing is not meant to be. I had planned on going to uni and doing teaching back in year 12 but my life took a different course or I chose the wrong path back at the fork in the road I guess you could say, or maybe the right one who knows? Too hard to tell with no scarecrow for guidance! and obviously never made it to uni then. Time went by I become a hairdresser and hated every minute of it, but it was my job my means of income my responsibility so I stuck it out, till I got married at 21 (yep very young) and at the risk of sounding horrible I knew it wasn't right, but by the time I'd realised it was a week before and my parents had paid for everything and what would I do if I didnt get married? I'd let everyone down, I would hurt people. hmmm maybe it was just cold feet, well thats what I told myself, but no it was more, it wasn't right and that was proven to me time and time again when I hurt so badly both physically and emotionally but I'd had kids so didnt I have to stay?? wasnt that my responsibilty?? My only 'out' was my craft, any craft I've done it all... jack of all trades master of none is a quote that comes to mind there! Eventually I saw what it was doing to the kids and listened to those whispers telling me there was more and I left, its not nice when your five year old comes home from kindy and says "I didnt tell anyone mum!"
I felt free, happy, like anything was possible like I could set those clipped wings free (to a certain extent remember the kids!) I could follow those dreams I'd had for so long. I realised I loved Mark, think I had for a very long time actually he was sweet, kind and very encouraging, always. So the day he rang me and said "I love you, I think I have for a very long time, when you feel like you are ready to start seeing people please let me know, please put me at top of your list (hmmm, did he think people were beating the door down to get to me?? hardly!) Let me make you happy, give me a chance!" So I did, and he did!! He encouraged me to follow those dreams I'd had and I enrolled at TAFE to do the Education Assistant course it took 6 months and at the end I had my job, my dream job and I felt at home!! I felt fulfilled I had the gorgeous guy (and he was very much so!!) who loved me and my two gorgeous kids, and when I when I felt something was amiss or my soul needed feeding I did my craft. By that stage I was a scrapbooker who loved photography and they were my outlet along with painting. We dreamt together, Mark and I, we planned together and eventually bought a house, our home, we had a baby together our darling girl McKenna and never once have I regretted my decision NOT ONCE!! even when things werent right with us I had faith. I once again felt that calling those whispers starting to get a little louder, I listened, I thought they were saying to follow my heart again I thought that meant they were telling me to become the teacher do the uni thing (make more money) so we talked and against my feelings of anxiety I applied for uni i did a part time year last year and things with Mark were not right, he didnt like it, me going to uni on the weekends once a month (he worked afternoon shift so we didnt see a lot of each other during the week), he missed our life and I did too but I thought it was for the greater good.
Now here I am again not at uni not doing the teaching thing another huge life event thats changed our lives forever!! What if thats not what the whispers were saying?? What if thats not meant to be?? What am I supposed to be then?? What am I supposed to be doing?? One thing I am certain of no matter what is that I know in my heart and soul that I love being a mum and that Mark and I were meant to be. I just need to figure out why it had to end this way and not like the fairytale I wanted...guess not all fairytales have a happy ending!! So here I am once again feeding my soul through my art, my painting...am I finally hearing them right?? Am I finally paying enough attention??
And if so why didnt I listen sooner, maybe I'd be sitting here a very different person with the love of my life by my side!!!
Unfortunately, life doesn't offer us a rewind button Kirsty, so we never do find out what "would" have happened if we changed some things in our past. All we can do is follow our hearts as best we can, do what feels right, and hope that we are making the right decisions. Unfortunately, we don't always make the right decisions.
One thing I know for sure...regret is a wasted emotion. It doesn't change anything or fix anything or even make us feel any better.
Heavy thoughts for a Wednesday night :)
Hugs to you xxx
P.S. I don't believe in "happy endings" either...LOL...but we'll leave that for another day :)
Posted by: Suzitee | 05/28/2009 at 12:01 AM