9th of June 2006

My darling boy M
I couldn't even bring myself here yesterday, actually I couldn't do anything yesterday!! I was too sad, devastated, angry, helpless and so very very broken!! I am so lost babe!!
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, it was supposed to be happy, remembering that wonderful day when I got to finally become Mrs Mark Campbell. Its a day I know I will never ever forget or want to forget but yesterday was just far too painful. I couldn't come here and stare at your photos like I normally do, actually the truth is looking your photos is growing harder and harder to do, they are now just a reminder of all I have lost. I break down every time I get even a glimpse of the one I have in our bedroom but I have to deal with it I wont forget you, I wont shut you away or take them down I cant, to do that would be to deny you, our love and all the happiness we shared. I talk to you every night I tell you about the day I've had what the kids have done and I cry, I look at your gorgeous face that I love so dearly and miss so very very much and I cry, that is my time to let it out each day , its so hard keeping it together for the kids and by that time of the day I am barely hanging on anymore. I have become so distant and I'm scared I'm getting so far away I'll become unreachable. I know you had a moment of weakness a moment you thought it was all too hard, that you'd ruined everything, a moment when you thought you were sparing me from any more pain, a moment when you thought leaving me would stop me hurting but I wish you could have seen what I would become without you, see now I just have constant pain with no happy times in between, no you to make the hard times worthwhile. Please babe send me strength, I made it through yesterday and I know I have you to thank for the million hugs and kisses McKenna gave me which made the decision to join you on our wedding anniversary too hard to go through with. I guess I am just a coward after all huh!! I just cant leave the kids, I cant be the person responsible for taking everything away. They have suffered so much and I know in so many ways they have already lost me too, I only hope that one day I can find the strength to be the mum they remember, but I know I'll never be the same girl that loved you with all her heart and soul. I miss you, all I ever wanted was you!! and I know for the kids sakes I will just have to suffer the pain a broken heart that's still beating.
Always
K
~xx~