Remembering Mark

Four months and a big thank you ~xx~

My darling boy M,
Yesterday was yet another 23rd that I didnt get to hug you or kiss you, I did tell you how much I love and miss you though as always! You were...actually you still are my whole world I would have stayed with you forever. I would have turned myself inside out for you. I would have done whatever it would have taken if only you'd reached out, if only you had been willing to let down your guard put aside your pride and let me in, let me know what was really going on and how much you needed help, but like me your pride got in the way, you thought you could fight it. I want to think I can fight THIS!! This never ending want to be by your side.
I want to thank you so very much for finding the strength to be there for me today, I hope you know how much it means to me how much it means to know you didnt really want this to happen that you were just so overwhelmed by the pain and darkness that you made a forever decision without seeing its permanency. I will continue to see the signs, to feel you and see you in my dreams everynight, you dont know how much i look forward to going to sleep now I feel like thats my time with you and it is so very precious to me.
I love you, I always will and now I know you know that!! I know we were meant to be, I know I was so very lucky to have met and married my soul mate, nothing can ever change that!! You always said you'd never stop loving me no matter what, that you'd always be there for me....now i believe it.
Always yours
K
~xx~

9th of June 2006

My darling boy M
I couldn't even bring myself here yesterday, actually I couldn't do anything yesterday!! I was too sad, devastated, angry, helpless and so very very broken!! I am so lost babe!!
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, it was supposed to be happy, remembering that wonderful day when I got to finally become Mrs Mark Campbell. Its a day I know I will never ever forget or want to forget but yesterday was just far too painful. I couldn't come here and stare at your photos like I normally do, actually the truth is looking your photos is growing harder and harder to do, they are now just a reminder of all I have lost. I break down every time I get even a glimpse of the one I have in our bedroom but I have to deal with it I wont forget you, I wont shut you away or take them down I cant, to do that would be to deny you, our love and all the happiness we shared. I talk to you every night I tell you about the day I've had what the kids have done and I cry, I look at your gorgeous face that I love so dearly and miss so very very much and I cry, that is my time to let it out each day , its so hard keeping it together for the kids and by that time of the day I am barely hanging on anymore. I have become so distant and I'm scared I'm getting so far away I'll become unreachable. I know you had a moment of weakness a moment you thought it was all too hard, that you'd ruined everything, a moment when you thought you were sparing me from any more pain, a moment when you thought leaving me would stop me hurting but I wish you could have seen what I would become without you, see now I just have constant pain with no happy times in between, no you to make the hard times worthwhile. Please babe send me strength, I made it through yesterday and I know I have you to thank for the million hugs and kisses McKenna gave me which made the decision to join you on our wedding anniversary too hard to go through with. I guess I am just a coward after all huh!! I just cant leave the kids, I cant be the person responsible for taking everything away. They have suffered so much and I know in so many ways they have already lost me too, I only hope that one day I can find the strength to be the mum they remember, but I know I'll never be the same girl that loved you with all her heart and soul. I miss you, all I ever wanted was you!! and I know for the kids sakes I will just have to suffer the pain a broken heart that's still beating.
Always
K
~xx~

100 days

My darling M

It's been 100 days today babe, what will I do for the rest of my life???
I want you to come home so badly, I'm so very lost and lonely without your love, without your sweet words and gorgeous text messages, I'd give anything for just one of those things
My heart bleeds for you my soul aches, I miss you and I will always love you more.

Here Without You lyrics

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

This song seems to come on the radio everytime i drive the car lately I want to believe its you sending it to me.
Eternally your wife
K
~xx~

Who knew three months could feel like a lifetime??

Hey babe,
Its been three months since you left and I cant even begin to tell you how bad I'm hurting or how badly  I've been 'coping'. Kenna is getting so clever now she is singing even more than before you know the little made up songs she used to always sing...very funny. I feel so very sad every time I look at her or see her do something I know you'd adore simply because you adored her. She misses you so very much. She has been watching Enchanted about three times everyday and the other day she came out and said to me "Mum you have to go to heaven to get Daddy to give him his true love kiss." Which of course immediately brought me to tears and all the while she was saying "Mummy don't cry Daddy will be home soon." How do I tell her Mark how will I ever be able to look at that sweet face and say Daddy cant come home Daddy cant kiss you goodnight or cuddle you or take you to feed the ducks or 'fly' you after the birds. How do I go on and be strong for the kids?? Keaney is trying to be ok, trying to be happy but he comes out with the most profound things at times, you know how he could be, when we would just stare at each other like where did that come from and then just as quickly he goes back to being Keaney. he misses you, he wishes ghosts were true so he could see you. Emmy is trying so hard to be the strong one she has helped me so much over the last three months all those days when I couldnt face the world or get out of bed and instead cried all day in the emptiness of our bed. But I worry she has had to grow up too fast with all the things she has been through, she is 10 and had so much pain and loss in her life how do I make it better for them how I do I go on without you?? I miss your support, your touch, I just miss YOU!!! I dont know if I will ever be able to move past all this to move past you/us and all we had I want the ending I was supposed to have. I want my six years all over again I want to make it right. Why dont I get a second chance, why is life so very unfair? I miss you my love my darling boy I miss you more than you could ever have known I would. Hold tight to my heart that you took that day, I'm coming to collect and I will never ever let you go again.
Always and forever
K
~xx~

This is for you Babe

Loving you forever, missing you always ~xx~